Last updated October 28, 2009

A Confession to read to the Group:

Note to self: You can do this because God is leading you in this journey. So just relax, have fun and let God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit talk right through you! You can not mess up here because this is your story! You're not getting graded! So take a deep breath in, hold it, and let it out slowly.

Ok, Hi my name is Ginger Ann Walkowich.

Before I begin to start my testimony I would like to go to our Father in Heaven in prayer if that's alright with you guys. Dear Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit I want to thank you for this church and the people here tonight. What a blessing they are. I am so glad you them in my life and I in theirs. I thank you for your presence in my life. Thought I often do not want to be told what I should do, I know that your word is given out of love and concern for us. Make me open to your instruction. The truth is hard to hear many times, but that doesn't mean I don't need it. Open my heart to the truth, and let me always be accepting of your guidance. I count on you to help me through the tough times, and share in my good times. Lord, I so want to serve you in all ways. Take my words and make them yours. Pour out your grace through my lips, and make my speech a blessing to those who hear. In His name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

I am a searching child of God and to make things simple I struggle with destruction of my mind, body, soul and just myself. I am going to say this up front right now, that if I can make it through this whole thing without breaking down, hiding and/or running out before or after, it will be by the grace of God and it will be a miracle. Once again I am saying I am going to try and do this without my "protection(hiding)". I remember telling this group a little over a year ago that I had a big problem with hiding. One reason I wear my visor and shades is to hid and for protection. I know I have nothing to be afraid of but I am afraid of the unknown. I am ashamed and got to confess that I am knowingly still hiding in the darkness, which I have to change. I know confessing this has helping in my process and it is deterring me from doing it, because there is no place to hid anymore. I am speaking this in order for the devil to have less power over my addiction and me. I am admitting to, that I am a depressed cutter who is knowingly still hiding in the darkness and I need to trust God in this completely. This is the reason why I am bringing this up to the surface and out into the light to ask for forgiveness and God's healing power to help me defeat my cutting before the cutting defeats me. I remember reading this and still I did not make it without running out in the middle of group and hiding in the chapel or auditorium. I also know I don't talk much in group but I am trying to overcome my nervousness. I am more of a one on one person. But when I do gain the courage to speak in front of a group my body temperature rises. I get frightened. I stumble and get lost in my reading. I start to stutter and shake a little. Then I feel nauseous and second guess myself. Then it gets too much for me to handle and I run out of the room to try to calm down and not to show my true feelings. this is what happens to me with out hiding. I realize that this is one thing that I was probably scared of. I figure out when I write things down it helps me out a great deal and it gets my true feelings out. but the difficult part is when I want to share or read it out loud to other people. It is like ripping out my still beating heart and handing it out there to the people I open to. The really scary part of this is what they do with it. That is one of my biggest fears because I have trust issues so I don't try unless I have the confidence, need and/or want to.You can't heal if if you do not reveal it.

Later on in the year I was telling some friends this because I could not figure it out. I am so confused and frustrated. I am coming to the point I can not lie to the group unless it is a surprise. When I do lie, I will get caught or I will admit it at the end after I get the advice. If I try to hide, it will come out anyway There has to be a reason why I can not run or hid from you guys. Running and hiding is like my number one defense. I have played man hunt and no one could find me. It boggles me that I can not run or hide from you. So that means hiding is limited as well. If I do run and get away to hide it will be useless unless I find a way that I can hide without getting caught which is impossible because then you know the area where I am. I could not freaking figure it out.

Well I finally figured it out, I came to the conclusion that it was answered prayer from the year before--that I couldn't hide. It has really helped that my CR friends were always a step ahead of me and my thoughts. They were not and are not afraid to confront me even if it meant taking away my keys when I was sober. But I realize I was not sober from running and/or hiding. Here I go again saying I hide way too much, in too many ways. You probably have all heard this from me before but it has changed now.

Praise the Lord that God rightfully smacked me upside the head and gave me revelations as to what I have been doing for the past few years or so. It finally hit and I am sick of hiding. it is accomplishing more damage to me and also my family and friends. I thought I was open but that is not the truth. That was denial. I would like to fully come back to you guys. I would like to apologize for closing you guys out and not being entirely present. I have been in this detached realm for so long and been vanishing in the seclusion of my mind. I acknowledge that I allowed myself to isolate, disengage, be distant and just simply separate from the group. It was and has been rude of me. I certainly do not desire to do this anymore or cause more frustration then I already have. I am regretful for not giving the courtesy that you have extended me. I acknowledge that I have been in the wrong for so many years and I allowed it to get worse the last few months and realized it now.

Note to self: You are half way there and you are doing awesome! Keep it up!

I am admitting to this and changing it with the help of God and I need accountability. We are here to socialize with each other. I would really like to and want to have a better relationship with you guys.

Music has been a big part of my life ever since I was real little. I had the radio going and my mind was just tuned in. my dad helped at a radio station on Sunday mornings. It was a Jewish talk show. I always wanted to skip church and go with my dad and help out. The times I did get to go and be in the station and talk on the air, it was a blast. Afterward we all went out and ate pizza. So I have a deep tie with music and it is very important to me. You guys are probably sick of it; really annoyed, frustrated and had it with me listening to my music constantly 24/7/365. That it is probably to the point that you want to yell and scream at me to "Get those things out of your ears already and really listen before I rip them out and destroy them!" I now understand this feeling totally and completely. I almost did that with my co-worker last Friday because he has them in constantly and it is hard to talk to him. I almost blew up at him but stopped and realized what I have been doing all this time. I am so grateful I was called into work and it was revealed to me by God. I am really sorry I have done this more then time and time again to you guys. My music most times is all about emotions, sex, drugs, fighting, drinking, death and just worldly things. if you want a taste of my mind and thoughts listen to 93.3, 107.5 and 100.3. The music seeps into my mind and I am constantly in those thoughts. You think them, you believe them, it goes to your heart and then you act it. It talks to my soul, changes my mood and it is very enjoyable. It is like one of my drugs of choice. I hear it and I am gone in less then a split second. I know some of you, probably all, have seen the change when I am plugged in my music. I become dissociative and check out onto a complex journey into the contemplation of my mind. You know it is not good when you go to another group and your friend says hi to you, then taps you on the shoulder to get the headphones out of my ears. Your friend challenges you to give up the music just for a week and disconnects your car stereo. I admit I did ask for that because I did not believe I could do it. It helped me be more accountable because I wouldn't have made it. Watching music videos on TV with a friend and then I curl up into a ball. Driving with friends listening to 3 Days Grace or any of my music and I'm gone faster then you can say lick it tea split.

I am making a promise not to listen to my music when I am at this group. I will be more fully here. It will be and has already been really hard sometimes, but I think my positive anger to change has over passed that thought, I hope.

I have been dubbed with the song "I wear my sun glasses at night" which is rightfully true. Sunglasses are always covering my eye's 24/7/365. I always wear mirror ones because I like them and so no one knows where I am looking or if I am in deep thought. The eyes are gateways to the soul. I do not know how but you can see the soul through the eyes. You can tell when it is shining or shut down. The soul leads to your heart. So I have been covering my soul and heart all this time and more. We need eye contact because that is one way the soul connects out loud with the group. I promise not to have my sunglasses on during the group unless we are outside and it is sunny.

My hat is a different story which I am not ready to give up but in due time God willing it happen. I hide in many different ways but those are the immense ones right now and have been. I have made these promises because I positively know, with God's help, I can keep them and it is really important to me that I keep them. I do not want to break the trust because it builds up friendships. It finally hit me and something clicked on Saturday night during a meeting. I learned a lot. At break I got talking about "giving your testimony" with some people. I got asked if I was doing one and how they would like to do one. I said I have started writing one but, maybe I will give it someday in the future. I thought distant future, but God had other plans. Before I left the group some one said that they were happy that I was coming back. I was shown, other people do notice me. A friend said I hide but I still want to be noticed. I also hide by the way I dress, my attitude and how I act. People, and some I meet for the first time, have been reinforcing what my other friend said without knowing it. I am taken a back by it but I am very appreciative of it. I am so glad I went. I know what I will be doing tomorrow night. God will not let go of me. A christian customer, who became a good friend, gave me a Bible as a gift. I started a hard Bible study, which I did not think I could do, never the less complete sober, and I was saying forget it along with praying because it will do nothing. I was thinking of giving up on recovery all together, MY friend did not know about this but she put a note on it, which means a lot to me. It read, may this book bring you joy and strength as you read and study God's word, and it is a counselors edition.

I do not want to hide anymore. I have not burned myself on purpose for 336 days. I also have not cut in 40 days. I want to stay, be fully present and not give up. God is calling me and I am finally getting it and trying to follow it. I would like to read :A Day" out of this book real quick. The book is wisdom from Proverbs. the date is July 12, which is really significant because my nana dies on that day. But it reads, "There was a women who was terribly overweight and in failing health. She knew the best prescriptions for her was to diet, but she really didn't want to. Her daughter urged her to see a doctor and she kept promising that she would. Each time she made an appointment,, something came up and she canceled it. When confronted by her daughter, she said, "I do not need to go the doctor to have him tell me I'm fat. I already know that and he'll just tell me I need to loose weight." The poor women died due to a kidney malfunction, which was totally unrelated to her weight problem. her fear of the chastisement of the doctor had kept her from getting the help she needed. When we are afraid to be criticized or advised, we seriously restrict our ability to receive help. Often the words of a critic may be the words that save us from ourselves. When someone's only intention is to help us, it is wise for us to seek their counsel and then heed it. When we run and stick our heads in the sand we stop growing and developing. If we feel guilty or inferior, we might try to avoid those people who would give us advice, but it is always better to deal with problems head on, than to let them balloon out of control."

Thank you God, for Grace is truly amazing! For now I know I am getting back on track with my life and trying to do the positive things I use to do. I am making my amends for my part in this situation. Even though I still have more to do, I am just happy I am in a better place at this pint in time. I would like to very much thank you for your friendship, insight, knowledge, support, and for just for being here. If it is ok with you guys I would like to end my testimony in prayer as well.

Dear Jesus, thank you for loving us first, dying on the cross and just everything. Thank you for this time I am able to share this with family, friends and everyone here tonight. I am appreciative of all of this revelations you have bestowed on me and there are more to come. I try my best to get through life, O Lord, but often I find myself at a halt. I don't know where to turn, where to step, what to hold onto. In those times, Father, help me to remember that you are there to guide me. Forgive me that I am often resistant and stubborn. Break my spirit of defiance, no matter what it takes so that I might openly receive every instruction that you give. Thought I amy stumble through my life at times, O Lord, help me to know that you are with me to pick me up and light my way. Alone, I am nothing. With you, I will never fail. Help me to never undermine the Faith that others have in me. Let me be honest and open, so that I might have the opportunity to make a difference in their lives. In your wonderful and Grace filled name, Jesus Christ, amen!

Thank you all for listening! For now that is all!

Ginger Walkowich